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Writer's pictureGary Jive

The Three Dogateers (2014) - Day 266, September 17th


Next up is a talking dogs holiday film that makes the Santa Buddies films look like high art. 2014's The Three Dogateers is one of those films that makes you question how on earth it came to exist. Like the kiddie-friendly Santa Claws (rather than the pseudo soft-porn slasher one), this is a direct-to-DVD movie with misleading cover art that looks way better than the actual film lurking within. As such, my expectations are suitably low - if you start off expecting total crap, you might be pleasantly surprised. And surprised I am, as this low-rent live-action/CGI mash-up tale of three cheeky pooches on the trail of stolen Christmas presents does actually make me laugh a handful of times, in spite of my better judgement.

 Weirdly, this obscure kiddie comedy was produced by two members of Icelandic post-rockers Sigur Ros. Quite why they banked on this particular effort I have no idea, though interviews with them online seem to indicate they knew it'd be crap but were hopeful of getting Chevy Chase to star and figuring they'd make money whether the film was successful or not. 

 Yes, this is a cheap, blatant cash-grab and another of those films that sits on supermarket shelves in the hope that a myopic grannie might mistake it for a Disney film. And yet... I've still seen much worse. It has a vaguely cohesive plot and a few genuinely funny parts that little kids will likely enjoy. There's also a surprising number of car chases for a talking dog film. Don't get me wrong, though - it's mostly naff.

Despite what the DVD box promises, this is not a film about dogs wearing floppy musketeer hats who can stand on their hind legs and get into sword fights and stuff. No, it's about three mutts, 'hilariously' named Barkos, Arfamis and Wagos who mostly sit around doing nothing so the animators can crudely superimpose CGI mouths onto them and have them say 'wacky' things and laugh at farts. Their owner is poor old Dean Cain who must really have needed the work. He gives a decent account of himself in multiple scenes that require him to make an ass of himself.

 All alone, the pooches look on as two bumbling, faceless burglars nick all the gifts, forcing our heroes to hitch a ride in the crooks' car to try and foil them and Save Christmas. The gang end up in the middle of the desert, which ranks as pretty much the least Christmassy location ever but must have been cheap.

 It's mostly shoddy and unfunny, though I do giggle at some infantile fart gags and bits with the dogs doing 'human stuff' like typing away on a computer, driving a car and flinging a brick through a window. 

 It’s pretty poor but, unlike the wretched Disney Buddy movies this at least doesn't descend into schmaltz, instead aiming for amiable bonkers oddness. It's not every Christmas film that has Dean Cain smooshing jelly donuts all over himself, then singing about how much he loves them, or has dogs surfing the internet to find a map to the shops. It's trash, bears precisely zero resemblance to Alexandre Dumas's classic novel but at least doesn't take itself too seriously and is probably good for a laugh just if gran gets it for you by accident. Don't hold it against her.



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