Another film that never really captured the hearts or imaginations of movie-goers is 2004’s Noel from actor-turned-director Chazz Palminteri, though clearly not for want of trying. This one takes the Love, Actually approach of sticking a handful of stars into a bunch of very loosely connected yuletide narratives designed to tug on the heartstrings. Unfortunately, it’s all too contrived, out-there and plain weird to ever be considered a festive classic. I’m not sure I could ever have guessed that Palminteri, mostly known for playing tough guys, cops and gangsters in films like Mulholland Falls and The Usual Suspects could turn out such a sappy, sentimental film concerned with spirituality and angels and stuff.
Paul Walker does okay as handsome young cop Mike, who has a propensity for flying off the handle whenever any dude so much as breathes near his stunning – and secretly pregnant - fiancée Nina. This happens a lot, as Nina is played by Penelope Cruz in her early 2000s pin-up prime. Cruz dazzles in early scenes but the film doesn’t give her much to do beyond looking sultry or sad. One big fallout over her hugging a friend leads to them facing the holidays apart.
Susan Sarandon is on reliably decent form as sadsack Rose who has more reason than most to dislike Christmas - she’s divorced and alone, left caring for a mother with Alzheimer’s who refuses to eat. She tries to live her own life but can’t quite allow herself to be happy. A series of heartbreaking events leads her to contemplate suicide before Robin Williams’ friendly ex-clergyman Charlie intervenes. Will his wise words help her find new reasons to love life? Who can say?
Back to Mike, who’s getting a strange amount of attention from Alan Arkin’s kindly waiter who insists the two know each other, much to Mike’s discomfort. This leads to a whole thing about Mike’s dumb cop partner wondering if there’s some unspoken ‘gay’ thing going on here. Artie harasses Mike for a bit and – I honestly didn’t see this coming (SPOILER!!!) – confides that he believes Mike to be the reincarnation of his deceased wife. I challenge anyone to watch these early scenes and not assume that Artie is Mike’s long lost dad, so kudos to the filmmakers for that one. It all gets silly with everyone crossing paths, learning something about who they are and the spirit of Christmas and so on. The film lays on the melodrama but takes enough mad left turns to stay interesting.
Oh yeah, and there’s a whole unnecessary sub-plot about Marcus Thomas’ depressed guy Jules who’s “never had a nice Christmas” apart from this one time when he spent the holidays in hospital as a kid. Naturally, Jules’ solution to this problem is to pay a homeless gentleman (Palminteri himself) to break his arm so he can spend Christmas in the hospital. I can safely say I’ve never seen that in a film before but it feels so unnatural and forced that I can’t really buy into it. Still, like a car crash, this plotline is morbidly compelling.
I worry that I’ve made Noel sound a lot better than it actually is. But hey, it’s a nice-looking, snowy, festive film about love, healing, forgiveness, letting go and all that other good stuff. It’s not the greatest film ever but surely deserves more attention, just for its bizarreness.
By my count, this is the 257th Christmas film I’ve watched in a row and I feel like the pressure of this quest, combined with the stresses of everyday life might just be getting a bit much. I wonder if the way I’m feeling could be linked to watching a lot of films that have been voted the absolute worst, but then remind myself that I haven’t found any of these films to be that bad, especially when compared to the works of Kenneth Del Vecchio. It’s more likely I’m just feeling a minor case of the seasonal blues. Summer has well and truly buggered off, it’s getting colder and the nights are drawing in. I console myself with the knowledge that I’m now more than two-thirds of my way through this thing and that I’ll be finished soon.
Thinking about it, I figure that what’s really getting to me is the fact that I’ve been forcing myself to squeeze a film into 90 minutes each day that could perhaps be better spent, say, sleeping or just relaxing with my wife and child. I keep telling myself that it’s all for a good cause, though I’m starting to wonder exactly what the point of any of this really is anymore. Best to push those thoughts aside and crack on. I’ve come too far to quit now.
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